Children's Social Emotional Wellbeing During COVID-19

The long-term effects of covid-19 on our children is yet to be fully seen. After months and months of being isolated at home, the toll it has had on some children’s emotional world has meant that some children have taken a backward step when it comes to social emotional development.

I have had children talk with me about:

• “Will my friends still be my friends?”

• “When I see too many children at the park I don’t want to play.”

• “I don’t know what to say to my friends when we chat… I get stuck.”

• “All I know is that I feel nervous.”

I had an incident today with my 11 year old who stopped playing at the park because she felt overwhelmed by other children. She hopped off the swing and walk over to me grasping my hand and said “mum can we go home.” She didn’t want to talk right then and there and I didn’t push her to. Instead I just labelled what I was observing “It looks like you became nervous when you saw more children arriving at the playground. Feeling nervous can be tricky but I’m right here.” So this incident prompted me to write this blog, as I know there are more children out there who feel the same way.

So, how can we ease our children’s anxiety and support them in some sense to reintegrate, here are a few little steps.

1.       EMPATHY IS GOLDEN

Empathize with them. When our children feel understood they know that we are on the same page as them cheering them along. It creates safety and security.

2.       HAVE A GAME PLAN

Talk about the situation that you are aware of that might cause some of those anxious feeling and come up with a game plan. Having a game plan allows children feel in control. Then they know that they have something to refer to or fall back on. We might need to support them to work through this.

3.       WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

A few gentle words of encouragement when you see that they are worried and take that risk to separate from us as parents - “I could see you were nervous but when you did X I was so proud of you, that took some effort.” Sometimes encouragement can be non-verbal, the good old thumbs up or wink can communicate a thousand more words.

4.       REMINISCING

Sometimes reminding children what it was like when they were doing that task that gives them those jittery feelings. “Do you remember when you would leap onto the monkey bars and swing from bar to bar or even do a flip, wow that was awesome.” Reminiscing helps children to build the confidence in an unconscious way and silence their inner critic.

5.     PATIENCE IS KEY

I know it can be frustrating when you know that your child can do the task that is causing them angst. Let’s just pause for a moment. These are BIG feelings that our children are having and take a moment to lower our expectations, we are all experiencing a great deal. They will get there again but the path just looks a little different.

If your child is having some struggles reach out and get in touch and check out some of the wonderful group programs being offered.

So I hope these have been a few handy tips to consider or gentle reminders to play around with and remember to do what feels right for your child.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles: Part 2

In Part 1 of The Sibling Squabbles we discussed the developmental stages of children and what we might see emerge during sibling conflict. Looking at sibling disagreements from the angle of a”it is a teaching opportunity” no matter what stage of development. Children don’t master social skills until early adulthood.

As promised, Part 2 of The Sibling Squabbles will look at some tips to help us as parents manage and work through these parenting challenges. When siblings squabble, our children want us to pick sides, the blame game emerges, the finger pointing, the tears, the behaviours….

It can be very overwhelming and exhausting not to react. Our chaos or calmness can be infectious. Remember when our children are arguing, the spot fire has been fueled and we don’t want to add more fuel to the fire through the way we respond or react.

Here are some tips:

• Don’t join their emotional chaos with our own emotional intensity. Yep, their squabbles are going to push our buttons so before we respond check-in with yourself and take some deep breaths if you need to.

• Be mindful not to take sides. I know its so hard especially when a child has behaved in a way that may go against the family rules or expectations. We need to eliminate blame as it keeps children in a cycle of pointing fingers, excuses and avoiding feelings.

• Instead of approaching the squabble with “who started it?” Lets remind ourselves that they both played a role and explore what the conflict is about and how they were left feeling. For our toddlers and preschoolers keep it simple, state what you see and notice about the situation and what you observe them to be feeling, “I can see that the block tower has been knocked over. Sally you seem sad and Ben are you angry?”

• Brainstorming solutions is a great skill to teach children as it is connected to compromise, negotiation and empathy. Before we get to the step of problem solving successfully, children have the need to feel heard and validated. This can sometime rely on us as parents and the way we facilitate the discussion. My advice is to listen to what children are telling us and reflect back to them what we are hearing. Once a children feel understood we can help them think of ways to repair the situation and relationship. We might provide our younger children with two solutions and for our older children we can allow them some space to figure it out together and then ask them how they got to that solution.

• We don’t always need to step in and solve the conflict, except for those situations where it becomes verbal, physical or family rules are broken.

• Be mindful of how we as adults role model conflict resolution in our own relationships. Our children are watching and our primary school aged children and teenagers have more understanding of our style as they watch us.

• Consider your child’s temperament - do they quickly get angry? or do they hold their emotions in? For those children that go from 0 to 100 within seconds, before launching in to find out what has happened take a moment to ‘pause’ and allow them to calm down. When children are in heightened states, its going to be tricky to rationalize with them as they are emotionally charged and the belief that all brains have in heightened states is that “i’m 100% right and its not my fault.” For those children who are more withdrawn; the focus maybe on naming the emotion, sharing your observations of their emotions, inviting dialogue with open questions and repeating back what you have heard.

• For primary school aged children and teenagers give each child an opportunity to talk about the conflict. You might like to use this little formula: Allow Child 1 to answers these questions

  • What did their sibling do?

  • How you were left feeling?

  • What I did

  • How that would have left their sibling feeling?

Child 2 might be bursting at the seams to talk especially as they hear their sibling respond to the first two questions. Once they hear their sibling talk about their own actions and take responsibility for their actions it allows the other children to feel seen, more open to the discussion and take responsibility for their actions as well. These four questions are great for empathy development.

Overall, seeing our children squabble can be difficult just remember as they grow it gets easier, they are learning life skills and it is a very common issue within families. There are so many factors that influence squabbles – temperament, age, social skills and environment.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles

Sibling squabbles are normal, very common and all a part of growing up. Even in our adult life we experience conflict. How children learn to navigate their sibling and family relationships provides them with the foundation on how to navigate conflict in their relationships through the various stages of development.

Often as parents we have thoughts of “why can’t they get along?”, “why does it have to be a competition”, “how can I get them to treat each other with more kindness.”

Sometimes we can see disagreements occur between our children because:

• They view the same situation differently

• Feelings of unfairness, let down or injustice surface.

• Competition

• Having to share

• Attention

But there is an upside to sibling squabbles. As children learn to navigate squabbles with their siblings they are learning rich social skills – communication, empathy, negotiation, values, behaviours and problem solving (just to name a few) and we have the opportunity to support these skills.

Remember children aren’t born knowing how to handle disagreements and as their conflict resolution skills develop, we see a shift in their disagreements and it doesn’t last forever.

I want to take a moment to look at the differences in squabbles as our children walk through the various stages of development.

TODDLERS

I like to call the toddler stage “I do”, “No” and “Mine” stage. Toddlers have a new found independence as they are standing on their own two feet, walking, talking and feeding themselves. But at this stage toddlers pit fall is their social skills – turn taking, following rules and instructions. Have you noticed with your toddler that they are possessive over objects? Just move or take a toy and it is game on; as they scurry over to snatch back their toy and say “mine”.

Squabbles at this period of development center around objects, toys and they are easily frustrated, because they don’t have the ability to reason with other children nor communicate their emotions. So how do we see toddlers resolve conflict? Snatch, hit, bite, push or scream.

PRESCHOOLERS

If we survive toddler squabbles it gets easier as we approach the preschool age period where their language and ability to communicate is flourishing, they are learning social norms of turn taking and sharing. When we intervene in their squabbles, we can reason much better. The number one trigger that sets off preschoolers is fairness. A squabble may erupt when someone cheats, isn’t sharing or isn’t following the rules. Our preschoolers are going to need our support to problem solve situations they just don’t have the thinking capacity and have you noticed their impulsive tendencies. This is because their rational thinking is underdeveloped and their response to conflict is filtered through their emotional lenses. Hence, we can experience whinging responses and even those aggressive reactions.

PRIMARY SCHOOL AGED

In the early stages of primary school, we tend to see the competitive behaviours emerge. However, the positive is that children at this stage are really cementing their social skills with the added bonus of compromise is now present. Although fairness can still be an undercurrent of their squabbles. Children at this stage can better communicate how they feel, identify the problem and attempt to problem solve. They still require us as parents to guide them through as their emotional regulation skills are still developing so we can still see children push or hit their sibling out of anger or frustration.

The main standout difference between early primary and senior primary school aged children is the nature of their squabbles. when children reach senior primary school age (8-12 years), this stage we see fewer physical reactions to sibling squabbles and more verbal squabbles that include name calling and even swearing.

Our role can shift to a referee/ mediator as we teach children at this stage to hear each other out and talking about how the situation has left them feeling as well as understanding how their actions have impacted on their sibling. This is where we start to see empathy emerge.

We really want to help children at this stage and the teenage years to shift from finger pointing and more on taking ownership, being accountable and showing responsibility. This comes down to what we as parents role model, being aware of what emotional intensity we bring and the questions we ask our children such as “how did it leave you feeling?”, “what could you hear your brother say”, “what is your sister asking for?” We really want to get children at this stage to use ‘I’ statements as it takes away the accusations therefore leaving their sibling more open to the conversation for example: When (situation)…………. I felt/ feel……………. I would like……………

TEENAGERS

We tend to see a peak in sibling squabbles at the teenage years. At stage of development focuses on independence and identity formation. Squabbles can center around – perceived authority, equality, fairness, personal space, belonging and friends.

Add into the mix of this a whole bunch of hormones and let’s strap in for a bit of a bumpy ride. The best way I can summarize this period in terms of sibling conflicts is just be patient and kind with our teenagers. They are finding themselves again, its like they are at the toddler years, but just in bigger bodies exploring the world through a new set of glasses and how their identity relates to others. So, what they squabble about one day may not be an issue the next. They can resort back to communicating with their body language and non-verbal utterance.

So in a nutshell, sibling squabbles are all about learning to communicate, learning how to relate to others and learning to problem solve. By first understanding what happens developmentally for children can help us as parent alter our approach to meet their needs.

Stay tuned for some tips on addressing sibling squabbles in the next blog.

The Emotional Roller Coaster at Pick-Up Time.

Have you noticed when you pick up the children from day care, kinder or school that they are quick to escalate with intense emotions? Which leaves you wondering where did all that come from, I just asked how your day was.

There is a term used for this state called Emotion Restraint Collapse.

If you think of our child's day of learning and processing information, add into the mix is lots of conscious and unconscious sensory input, and the additional range of emotions children will experience throughout their day that they don’t acknowledge. Their brain is flooded with information, their emotional tanks are well and truly depleted, that the body and brain need to release the tension that is generated (like a pressure cooker). Sometimes that outlet in on us because there is safety in our relationship.

So, what can we do when the eruption happens? Connect. If they are complaining and frustrated, empathise and acknowledge the struggle and just be present. When children feel acknowledged the intensity of situations de-escalates quickly. Help them problem solve situations as they may not have the emotional resources to.

Another handy little tip is to have a snack in the car just to eliminate those "hangry" feelings.

Be mindful not to bombard them with too many questions about their day right away. Hold off on the questions about their homework or who did you play with. Instead shift focus on what meal you may be having for dinner, an activity or something they may be looking forward to.

If you are driving home put on the radio and stay quiet. If you are walking, say little or just comment on the nice little things you notice.

Just a little reminder that not matter if we look at our routine at pick up time, it is expected that emotional eruptions will sometimes still occur despite all our efforts. This is a normal part of being, because guess what? It happens to us adults as well. We can experience the same emotional eruptions after a long day of looking after the children or being at work.

Remember… the key is to slow things down and connect.

The Mysterious World of Tantrums and Toddlerhood.

Whining, screaming, hitting, biting, breath holding… are all behaviours that we might see when our children are in melt down mode. I’ve had some doozy of tantrums with my children when they were toddlers, some have taken place in public… even the wonderful back arching or stiffening of body have made an appearance in carparks and shopping centers.

Before we go any further, I want us to consider the developmental transition from infancy to toddlerhood. Although toddlerhood comprises of 2 percent of the lifespan, it is one of the most remarkable and busiest times of development. This period brings on dramatic changes in the body and brain to support the emergence of a wide array of motor, perceptual and cognitive capabilities. We see the beginning of language and our toddler takes their first steps which are all signs of our child making a shift from dependence to autonomy. At this stage of development our toddler is very egocentric as social and emotional skills are immature. Their ability to see others needs or express empathy is very limited.

Let’s normalize tantrums. All children experience them and they are apart of child development. They are equally common in boys and girls and we tend to see tantrums emerge at the age of 1 and are at their peak between 1- 3years.

So, why do they occur? There are a number of underlying reasons why tantrums occur, let’s explore them:

• Toddlers under developed language skills contributes to the difficulty they have in communicating their needs. Toddlers find it difficult to say what they want, feel, or need, a frustrating experience may leave them feeling misunderstood. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.

• Toddlers are eager to explore the world around them now and assert their newly found and growing independence. Wanting to feed themselves, walk rather than be pushed in a stroller.

• Tantrums are how toddlers show their emotions, they are yet to make the connection nor have the emotion vocab to put language to their feeling states.

• Toddlers don’t have the executive functioning skills to put the pieces together to help interpret situations and the world around them. Sometimes their world is very overstimulating, that tantrums are communicating that they are overwhelmed.

• A child’s temperament also influences how quickly and strongly they react to situations.

• Now that toddlers have created an attachment to a familiar caregiver, separation anxiety cause tantrums as they become upset when the adult they rely on leaves.

When our child is in these states it can be challenging to support them. My go to, even now that my children are 6 and 10 is to eliminate the following: are they hungry, thirsty, overstimulated or tired?

The number one rule for tantrums is to remain calm. I know our children’s behaviour can be really difficult during these times especially when we are out and about. We can feel pressure from onlookers to quieten our child or discipline them. We can really take their behaviour as a personal attack “I’m not a good parent”, “my child doesn’t love me”. Staying calm through our tone of voice and body language can soothe our child.

There are a whole range of strategies that people talk about when addressing tantrums: planned ignoring, time out, distractions, thinking mat, sticker charts, praise etc. Yes, I have used these in my early parenting years. How we respond to our toddlers tantrums depends on the cause. Maybe we can look at tantrums through a different lens an ask ourselves “what is my child struggling to communicate?”  When we answer this, we can implement the right of strategy.

Identify Tantrum Triggers

When tantrums start to emerge we may quickly see a pattern and start to identify what sets off a tantrums. When we can identify triggers we can plan around them. Here is an example on how you could track tantrums focus on time of day, what was occurring before the tantrum?, behaviour and response

Tuning In

My go to when I know that tantrums are fueled by emotions is to “Tune In”. Tuning in and stepping in at this early stage of development helps our toddler to develop skills. By tuning in we are supporting our toddler with feeling words so that they can make a connection, we are giving them language so that they can learn new words to communicate with. While tuning in we are modelling ways to calm down our body. For example “Did you throw your car because it wasn’t working and this made you feel angry. Our toys are special, we need to care for them.” Toddlers who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down.

Planned Ignoring

We can see tantrums emerge when we have refused something, staying calm and don't give a lot of explanations for why your toddler can't have what they want. Move on to another activity with your toddler. If a tantrum happens after your toddler is told to do something they don’t want to do, it's best to ignore the tantrum. But be sure that you follow through on having your toddler complete the task after they are calm. You might do it together. As your child is doing what is asked, it the perfect opportunity to encourage and praise the positive behaviour.

Controlled Choices

As toddlers are thriving on their newly found independence you can give controlled choices. “Would you like to brush your teeth before bath time or after?”

When we have given our child too much information when we are asking them to do something. Remember toddler’s attention span is very limited and their ability to hold and respond to our requests draws on their cognitive capacity which is still developing. So, one instruction at a time with some guidance and lots of praise.

And finally, we need to be consistent and calm in our approach. I know this really hard. I have given in plenty of times, just so the whining would stop and boy o boy did my children remember.

So, I hope you have found this helpful and reassuring when tackling tantrums in toddlerhood.