The After School Meltdown - Neurodiverse Edition

As the school holidays come to an end and the new school term begins. This post is a little reminder of what can await after a school day. Yep… the emotional meltdown that can be a short-lived experience to an intense volcanic eruption. I want to highlight that the after school emotional rollercoaster can occur for all children whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse.

I wrote a blog last year about this very same topic, however there are a few different elements for neurodiverse children and this blog aims to provide strategies to support neurodiverse children and even neurotypical.

I often get asked from parent’s why does the after school meltdown occur?

A child’s day at school is busy; from a busy classroom to a busy playground, so let’s break it down into 3 domains.

1. Sensory Input

Schools are a sensory mind field with a child’s brain continually receiving sensory input. From noise levels, school bells, hand dryers, stuffy or hot classrooms, people sitting too close, sitting for long periods, lighting, transitioning between classroom for specialist subjects, smells, classrooms can be visually busy to a neurodiverse child with the range of displays from art work to number boards and the list goes on.

2. Cognitive Load

Then on top of the sensory load we unload the demands of the school work. This can include processing information, translating this information, comprehending the task, coping with unclear instructions, fear of making a mistake which many neurodiverse children have perfectionistic traits, feeling pressured due to limited time to complete a task. All this plus more can impact mental flexibility and children by the end of their day can become inflexible in their thinking; as they seek to gain control of their environment.

3. Social Engagement

Trying to navigate the social and emotional playing field at school can be a challenge for many children whether neurodiverse or neurotypical. Understanding social cues and interactions with peers combined with holding emotions in, also known as masking or camouflaging is very common coping mechanism. Playtime at school can be a very stressful time for children as they often have to navigate the social world and play experience, hence why we often see children playing on their own as it becomes too overwhelming.

Let’s remember that play is exhausting as it draws on a number of brain functions. Playtime in a mainstream school can be a very long time in an unstructured environment for neurodiverse children, remembering that children crave routine and structure as it provides predictability and containment.

Empathic Attunement

Have you heard of empathic attunement? Some autistic children, adolescents and adults can be sensitive to another person’s negative mood. Which means that they can take on another person’s worry, personalise disappointment, anxiety and agitation. For these individuals not only are they holding their own emotions but they have also internalised the emotions of others… boy o boy that is a big load to carry.

Survival Response

It can be tricky to see the warning signs of a meltdown as a child can go from zero to 100 within seconds. It might be the minute you step out of the school or as you drive into the driveway that the downward spiral begins. Often meltdowns elicit a survival response of flight, fight or freeze. A flight response is where the child wants to escape or run to seek solitude. Fight response when you are met with aggression or freeze response where a child will shut down an not communicate.  These responses all signal that the brain is in survival mode. Knowing what response your child has to a meltdown will help determine the strategies and pathways to best support them.

Handy tips:

• Meltdowns are always involuntary and a behavioural response to a build up of stress in the nervous system.

• When you pick your child up from school limit the amount of sensory input, this might include not asking them about their day. Remember their system may have reached capacity by the time you pick them up and a simple question such as “How was your day?” or “Did you have a good day?” or “What did you do today?” could be the final straw that breaks the camels back.

• Have a snack for the car ride home – this helps to element the hangry feelings and refuel a depleted system.

• Provide your child with space and solitude – it might be driving home in silence. Going straight home rather than stopping off at the supermarket.

• Water play can be very calming and soothing for children. When you arrive home do they need a bath or shower?

• If your child is a sensory seeker – engage in activities that utilises the more dominate sensory system that provides them with a release of pleasure hormones.

• Physical activity can be a fantastic tool to cleanse the body of the built up tension – running, swinging, jumping, rolling etc.

• If your child behaviour in a meltdown is aggressive have a box of paper that they can shred or boxes that would go into your recycling bin that they can stomp on and crush. You might even have wooden logs in the backyard that they can move around and construct with.

• Use their special interest as a calming tool. Just be mindful that when the special interest is removed there may be residual emotions that linger as special interests can be a thought blocker and a short term fix.

• Remember that 15minutes of downtime when children get home might not be enough as they have held their emotions all day long and it is a big load to have carried all day.

• Work with your child’s teacher and school to build in preventive breaks or down time during their day. Have lunchtime plans. Discuss sensory and academic modifications to support your child to have success at school.

During a meltdown

• Remain calm in a meltdown – don’t join their chaos. Notice your tone of voice and body language. Use slow and a low tone of voice. Keep your body language calm and not imposing

• Remove other family members and give them space.

• If they want you close during a meltdown sit next to them not opposite with minimal eye contact.

• Acknowledge that they are having a hard time and provide reassurance that it will pass.

• Sometimes if we name the emotion “I can see you are angry” however, the child does not feel angry this can further escalate them. So instead, we may reflect a more neutral emotion “you look upset.”

• If you wish to communicate with them, tell them what to do. Be directive and concise. Be mindful not to use too many words. Avoid saying “no” and “stop”. Be very directive in your communication as their prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) is offline and information is being processed through the emotional brain.

• The key is to calm their nervous system as it is in survival mode.

Well in a nutshell, this is a brief summary of the after school meltdown. I hope you have found this helpful and sometimes we need to ride out the meltdown which can be exhausting. So a little tip is, make sure you top up your energy resources too (aka self-care).

The Stress and Pressure of Exams!

Exams go hand in hand with stress, worry, anxiety, late night cramming and self-doubt. We see our children fret and panic which is often paired with unhelpful thinking patterns during this period. Exams set off a chain reaction within our children’s body, emotions and thinking state which can hinder how they approach their exams.

First let’s look at this chain reaction a little closer which will help us to understand what is happening neurologically for them and then we can implement strategies.

Let’s just picture a mountain for a moment and view heightened emotional states such as exam pressure and anxiety as walking up the mountain. At the base of the mountain we are calm and happy. We start to climb the mountain once the brain registers a shift in our physiological state i.e. heart beating faster, sweaty palms, tense shoulders etc.

These physiological changes send a signal to the brain to identify the feeling state. Once the brain recognizes the feeling state, it tunes into our thought pattern/ internal dialogue and as this occurs, we continue to climb the mountain. Our internal dialogue can either fuel and intensify the emotion or it can help us to regulate our emotions. We keep climbing the mountain the more we listen to the internal dialogue and in no time we are at the peak of the mountain where we have reached emotional intensity.

 At the peak of the emotion mountain our brain has entered into survival mode and we encounter a number of difficulties:

·         Our brain is flooded with emotions

·         Irrational thinking – repetitive thoughts occur – we believe that these thoughts are true and 100% accurate.

·         Difficulty to communicate our needs

·         We have a compulsion to act on these feelings

·         Our ability to plan, organize and problem solve is clouded.

Once we are at the top of the mountain we need to get down and here are some key steps to help us get out of these emotionally intense states.

1.       Recognize what we are feeling – the minute we do this we reduce the intensity.

2.       Don’t fuel the emotion – turn down the volume of our internal dialogue by removing statements with “I must”, “I should”, “I have to”, “I shouldn’t have”. These words all add additional stress, tension, pressure, guilt and obligation.

3.       Engage in grounding techniques – our nervous system is in a state of hyper or hypo arousal. So, we need to engage in calming techniques that bring the nervous system back to a state of homeostasis.

4.       Once we are calm it opens up the neurological pathways for us to begin to think more rationally and our executive functioning skills such as planning, time management, organizing, problem solving are all back on line.

Time to explore strategies to manage those intense feeling states:

1.       Awareness

Firstly, let’s talk to our children about the emotion mountain and support them to identify what are some situations that might set them off to start walking up the mountain such as: hearing others talk about the exam, what friends have studied, reading a question in the exam and not knowing the answer. Come up with a game plan for these situations together. This strategy helps children to feel in control.

2.       Brainstorm Calming Strategies

During the study period explore emotion calming strategies and practice these strategies so that come exam time they have some handy little strategies that they can call on to help them come down the emotion mountain.

·         Breathing is a great tool that helps to slow down the body and internal dialogue down. It attempts to bring back balance.

·         Counting Ask children to count by 7 or 9 to 150 and then back

·         Grounding There are so many grounding techniques a popular one is to engage our senses – 5 things I can see, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can touch, 1 thing I can taste.  

·         Positive Mantras help to combat negative thoughts, work with your child to develop at least 5 positive mantras.

3.       Sleep

Sleep is so vital as it allows our brain to process information. Let’s make sure that children are not up late studying, have a cut off time when they close the books. Just imagine studying late at night when their mind is already full of information, their brain needs time to process this. The late-night cram just adds more pressure and stress to a tired body and mind.

4.       Exercise/ Movement

When our children’s mind becomes foggy, they are struggling to retain information or you notice a decline in their mood, encourage them to take a break and move their body through any form of exercise whether that be a short walk, yoga and stretching, a run or bike ride. Exercise can stimulate parts of the brain that aren’t as responsive (remember they are probably climbing up the mountain in this state). The brain does some pretty amazing work when we exercise; it releases chemical hormones (neurotransmitters – dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin) they help shift and alter the stressed brain. Building regular exercise into our children’s study period helps to balance their body’s stress hormone such as adrenaline which is responsible for the flight – fight – freeze response.

5.       Be Their Study Buddy

Often when children are studying for an exam, we find them reading over and over their text books trying to remember formulas and quotes. It’s a fairly isolating task. A handy little tip to help children cement their learning is to join them, be their study buddy and get children to verbally repeat out aloud what they are trying to remember. Have them be the teacher and get them to teach you. Having children verbally repeat aloud what they are learning encourages the brain to store information through a different pathway. When it comes to retrieving information they aren’t reliant on just one neural pathway. Just like a road map, there are multiple roads leading to one destination.

Handy Tips for The Day of Exams

1. Feed your brain - have a healthy and nutritious meal the day of exams avoid any sugar foods as we want to feed our body and brain good food for alertness. We don’t want the body and brain to work extra hard and divert its attention and resources to breaking down sugar and unhealthy food.

2. Hydration is key - don’t forget the water body bottle and to take regular sips of of water throughout the exam to keep the brain and body hydrated and alert.

3. Fresh air - rather than doing a last minute cram the morning of the exam how about swapping it out for some fresh air and movement. This does wonders for the body by increasing the dopamine levels in our brain which in turn makes us feel relaxed and happy. Any movement whether a short walk, a few shots of basketball, yoga or a quick run helps to shift the tension build up our bodies.

4. Don’t be influenced by others around you - like I mentioned previously hearing chatter about what others studied or did not study only increases our negative thoughts, makes ups climb up the mountain more and it zaps the dopamine levels in our brain. Have some little sayings that you might say to catch the unhelpful thoughts.

5. During the exam - if you feel the rise in emotions its ok to pause. Practice the strategies mentioned earlier such as breathing, counting, your positive/ helpful thinking statements and then head back to the same question or move on to the next. Trying to push through without taking a moment to pause makes the body and brain climb up that mountain.

I think we can all agree that the exam period is a stressful time for all. I hope you have found those tips useful. Wishing all students undertaking exams at this time of year all the very best! You got this!

Returning To School - Take 2

It’s time for our children to return back to the classroom. Its been a long and difficult time for all – children, teachers and parents/ caregivers combined. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and as children return back to the classroom we begin to regain somewhat of our traditional routine and structure.

But it has been some time since children have been at school, with their teacher and friends face to face. For some children they are filled with excitement and for others there are feelings of jittery nerves.

So let’s take a moment and explore how we can support our children in their transition.

Feelings Check-In

In the next few days leading up to the school return, let’s check in and see how our children are feeling and be curious about their feelings. Validating and empathizing how children are feeling is so incredibly important. When children feel seen and heard we are less likely to see the behaviours that are associated with unmet needs. When we start to talk to children about their feelings we have a tendency to go into ‘fix it mode’, let’s hold off on finding solutions, rather just being with our children and connecting with their feelings works wonders. Knowing that we are on their side and understand what they are feeling makes the emotions less intense.  “I can see that you are scared and I also know how courageous you are. We can do this together.”

Calendar

For our little children (Prep-Year 2) we might track how many days until they return to school by using a calendar to tick off and count down. Children at this stage still don’t have great concept of time and days so having a visual can really help.

Transitional Object

A transitional object is a small item that you can give your child to let them know that you are with them – a special necklace, bracelet, a small item to put in their pocket, or photo. This is a handy little tool for those children who have anxiety and find it difficult to separate from us.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings

Parent and Educator Guide By Annette D’Amore

Working Through Heightened Emotional States.

If you find that your child’s emotions have taken over, they may be refusing to go to school, their emotions and reactions are intense, then we need to help them regulate their emotions and switch off their firing amygdala. Children are yet to fully develop the skills to regulate their emotions on their own so they need us to guide them through it. The prefrontal cortex is the key part of the brain that is required to regulate their emotions and did you know that this is the last part of the brain to fully mature and develop which is around the age of 25.

Here are steps that children can use to help regulate their emotions.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings by Annette D’Amore

Engaging in calming strategies whether it is slow breathing, counting or grounding techniques all help to silence the amygdala and enable children to ignite the prefrontal cortex to come back on line so that children can think rationally (I have include some calming strategies at the end of this blog).

Positive Associations

Have children draw a picture of school and list all the wonderful things about school. This is a wonderful visual reminder that you can put on the fridge on in their room. You might like to turn this into a dinner time game, by going around the dinner table and asking each family member to list a positive things about school, keeping going around to each member and see how many positive association words you can list. By having children say this out loud the brain records and stores this information. What is interesting is that this information is stored in the limbic system the same area that the amygdala is located therefore sending positive messages to the amygdala that it does not need to react. If you find your child is nervous you can refer back to all the positive associations that you made.

Lower Expectations

During this period, we need to consider that we are all experiencing a collective trauma so lower expectations and increase the dial on compassion for ourselves, our children and others.

Night Time Routine

Start getting back into a night time routine, good sleep routines influence mental health and wellbeing.

The Morning of School

Keep things calm and simple, this might mean that we need to get up a bit earlier, be a bit more organized. Children are really attuned to our mood so if we are calm then they feed into this.

We might like to have a mantra for the first day, something that you have discussed as a family the night before. Daily Intentions are a powerful mindful practice. Setting a Daily Intentions helps to guide us in our behaviour and actions. They help us to remain focused and on task, especially when we encounter difficulties. Daily intentions help to prime our brain to look for opportunities and behaviours that support our intentions. (Featured below are Daily Intention Card created by Parent’s Domain)

It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this! Just a reminder to do what feels right for your child. Feel free to have a go and tweak these strategies.

For more information or support please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Children's Social Emotional Wellbeing During COVID-19

The long-term effects of covid-19 on our children is yet to be fully seen. After months and months of being isolated at home, the toll it has had on some children’s emotional world has meant that some children have taken a backward step when it comes to social emotional development.

I have had children talk with me about:

• “Will my friends still be my friends?”

• “When I see too many children at the park I don’t want to play.”

• “I don’t know what to say to my friends when we chat… I get stuck.”

• “All I know is that I feel nervous.”

I had an incident today with my 11 year old who stopped playing at the park because she felt overwhelmed by other children. She hopped off the swing and walk over to me grasping my hand and said “mum can we go home.” She didn’t want to talk right then and there and I didn’t push her to. Instead I just labelled what I was observing “It looks like you became nervous when you saw more children arriving at the playground. Feeling nervous can be tricky but I’m right here.” So this incident prompted me to write this blog, as I know there are more children out there who feel the same way.

So, how can we ease our children’s anxiety and support them in some sense to reintegrate, here are a few little steps.

1.       EMPATHY IS GOLDEN

Empathize with them. When our children feel understood they know that we are on the same page as them cheering them along. It creates safety and security.

2.       HAVE A GAME PLAN

Talk about the situation that you are aware of that might cause some of those anxious feeling and come up with a game plan. Having a game plan allows children feel in control. Then they know that they have something to refer to or fall back on. We might need to support them to work through this.

3.       WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

A few gentle words of encouragement when you see that they are worried and take that risk to separate from us as parents - “I could see you were nervous but when you did X I was so proud of you, that took some effort.” Sometimes encouragement can be non-verbal, the good old thumbs up or wink can communicate a thousand more words.

4.       REMINISCING

Sometimes reminding children what it was like when they were doing that task that gives them those jittery feelings. “Do you remember when you would leap onto the monkey bars and swing from bar to bar or even do a flip, wow that was awesome.” Reminiscing helps children to build the confidence in an unconscious way and silence their inner critic.

5.     PATIENCE IS KEY

I know it can be frustrating when you know that your child can do the task that is causing them angst. Let’s just pause for a moment. These are BIG feelings that our children are having and take a moment to lower our expectations, we are all experiencing a great deal. They will get there again but the path just looks a little different.

If your child is having some struggles reach out and get in touch and check out some of the wonderful group programs being offered.

So I hope these have been a few handy tips to consider or gentle reminders to play around with and remember to do what feels right for your child.

The Emotional Roller Coaster at Pick-Up Time.

Have you noticed when you pick up the children from day care, kinder or school that they are quick to escalate with intense emotions? Which leaves you wondering where did all that come from, I just asked how your day was.

There is a term used for this state called Emotion Restraint Collapse.

If you think of our child's day of learning and processing information, add into the mix is lots of conscious and unconscious sensory input, and the additional range of emotions children will experience throughout their day that they don’t acknowledge. Their brain is flooded with information, their emotional tanks are well and truly depleted, that the body and brain need to release the tension that is generated (like a pressure cooker). Sometimes that outlet in on us because there is safety in our relationship.

So, what can we do when the eruption happens? Connect. If they are complaining and frustrated, empathise and acknowledge the struggle and just be present. When children feel acknowledged the intensity of situations de-escalates quickly. Help them problem solve situations as they may not have the emotional resources to.

Another handy little tip is to have a snack in the car just to eliminate those "hangry" feelings.

Be mindful not to bombard them with too many questions about their day right away. Hold off on the questions about their homework or who did you play with. Instead shift focus on what meal you may be having for dinner, an activity or something they may be looking forward to.

If you are driving home put on the radio and stay quiet. If you are walking, say little or just comment on the nice little things you notice.

Just a little reminder that not matter if we look at our routine at pick up time, it is expected that emotional eruptions will sometimes still occur despite all our efforts. This is a normal part of being, because guess what? It happens to us adults as well. We can experience the same emotional eruptions after a long day of looking after the children or being at work.

Remember… the key is to slow things down and connect.

The Jittery Worries As We Return To School

In Victoria children are beginning to prepare to return to school. As much as remote learning was a challenge…. a roller coaster of a journey. Now many parents across Victoria, including myself embark on the next challenge of returning to school.

I don’t know about you, but I definitely feel nervous. I have been thinking about what is making me feel this way? Do my children feel the same? Are teachers and other parents feeling nervous? Then I realised I am really worried about what school will now look like for my children… their new normal. But hang on… this is all about change and how well do we as adults manage change? Some better than others. So, if you feel a little stressed, worried, anxious or just so excited not to be home schooling keep reading as I share a few tips and tricks for us as parents and for our children as we begin the transition into the next phase of returning to school.

First let’s acknowledge FEELINGS. The minute we acknowledge and validate our own emotions or those of our children the intensity of the situation and emotional state decreases. Jittery nerves worsen when feelings are overlooked, dismissed or not expressed. They create an internal dialogue that a situation or feeling needs to be avoided.

Let’s get out of our heads. When we get stuck in our head and for children this might sound like “what if I get sick?”, “what if someone sneezes in class?”, “can I hug my friends?”…. it feeds the emotional state, the intensity of the emotion gets bigger and then comes the reactive thoughts and behaviours as the emotional brain (amygdala) is ignited and responds by ‘flight’, ‘fight’ or ‘freeze’ responses. So, what does this mean… we might notice our children have bursts of anger that you think “where did that come from?”, they maybe more irritable or fidgety,  they may withdraw and appear quieter than normal, decrease in their appetite, restless sleep or difficulty getting to sleep. We might start to hear them talk about physical complaints, “I have a headache” or “I have a sore tummy.” These are all responses of the amygdala trying to protect us.

When I talk with children about the thoughts in their head and getting stuck, I get them to imagine what their worry might look like if it were a bug or monster. Our bug or monster LOVES worries and LOVES it when we feel this really uncomfortable feeling. Our worry bug or monster grows every time we overthink situations or feelings. We can stop feeding our worry bug or monster by breaking down the situation and identifying it as either a Small, Medium or Large feeling and from there problem solving and creating achievable steps for our children.

Have you noticed that when we feel nervous, worried or fearful we feel out of control. Another strategy is to brainstorm with children what is in their control and what is not. This helps children and adults feel more empowered over the situation and develop confidence/ resilience.

Keep things simple, get your family back into routine. Early nights are so important for good mental health.

Grounding techniques are wonderful to help children refocus on the here and now. Progressive muscle relaxation, engaging the senses etc. I have created  a FREE download resource  “A Mindful Break” that contains a number of useful mindfulness exercise to help calm our children’s nervous system and re-engage their prefrontal cortex so that they can think more rationally.

You might like to make a list of what children are looking forward to in going back to school.

As parents we need to keep our own emotions in check. We can help our children by managing our own emotions. Just a reminder that we need to give our children more credit. They are more adaptable and resilient than we think. We are all experiencing a collective trauma. It’s OK to feel what you are feeling. It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this!

For additional support: please get in touch or contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800

Emotion Parenting Styles

When it comes to dealing with the up-and-down world of emotions, our children naturally take their cues from us, their parents. That’s why it’s helpful to look at the different ways we parent our child during emotional situations. Long term research by Dr John Gottman and his colleagues identified four different parenting styles. These four different parenting styles influence our children’s social and emotional development.

As parents we may have a more dominant parenting style or we may even have elements of all four parenting styles and it can be helpful to reflect on which style you tend to use:

Emotion dismissing: Not attending to, ignoring or minimising the child’s emotions, may still be warm and attentive to the child but avoids talking about/allowing the child to express difficult or unpleasant emotions (e.g. anger, sadness).

Emotion disapproving: Judging or criticising the child’s display of emotions when they are difficult or unpleasant.

Laissez-faire: Permitting the expression of all emotions, but does not help the child to regulate them and solve the problems that have led to those emotions.

Emotion coaching: Being aware of the child’s emotions, viewing the child’s display of emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching, helping the child to verbalise emotions, empathising and validating the child’s display of emotion, and helping the child to solve problems (while still setting limits on behaviour).

Research has shown that children whose parents use emotion coaching have more positive outcomes in a number of areas including emotional competence and ability to self soothe.

What can I do if I want to be more of an emotion coach for my child?

1.      Become more aware of your child’s emotions, especially those at a lower intensity. 

2.      Help your child label what they are feeling. 

3.      Don’t rush into trying to solve problems when your child is upset. 

4.      Keep in mind that that what our child considers to be a BIG issue, we may not view it as a big issue. Consider the perspective. 

5.      Separate emotions from behaviour. Deal with emotion first then behaviours.

Research shows that when parents practice using emotion coaching 30-40 % of the time, children have positive outcomes.

What if I want to know more?

Attend our Parenting Information Session – Exploring Children’s Emotion or get in touch with Annette to make an appointment.