Parenting Burnout

During these uncertain times and as a Victorian going into lockdown for our 6th time, it just adds an extra layer of pressure to our parenting load.

I don’t know about you but home schooling is hard work and I no longer have the energy to do it anymore. I know that this is a really common feeling amongst parents that I have spoken to last lockdown and over the past few days. All expressing how difficult, stressed, frustrated, exhausted and sad we feel.

So, this is my action plan and I hope you find these tips helpful whether you are in lockdown or feeling burnout as a parent.

Self-Care

As parents we need to look after ourselves, we often put ourselves last by caring for those around us. We often feel guilty when we take time out for ourselves. We are often running on empty as we go about our day constantly checking the time. Life if go go go! Just remember you can’t pour from an empty jug, so if our emotional jug is empty, it is really hard to give to others. Do something just for you? I love to sit outside first thing in the morning, on my own or with Coco (our little pomeranian) usually at 6am before everyone has woken up, with my coffee just taking in the crisp fresh air. I usually do this for 15-30 minutes before I start to tackle the day (aka making school lunches first ….)

Lower Expectations

We can’t do it all in one day. Make a list of just the essentials for that day and what can wait. Remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day” so why do we expect ourselves to do everything in a day, cramming our schedule up to the very last minute. I am a culprit for this and if you see me during school drop off or pick, yep I am the mum running into the school like a tornado, in and out then off to the next job.

Be Kind To Yourself

Be aware of our negative self-talk, acknowledge the feelings that are generating the self-talk. Here is a little thought reframing strategy:

1. Is this a helpful thought?

2. Is this thought accurate?

If our response is ‘no’ what is a more helpful and accurate statement.

Feelings

Check-in with our feelings and if we notice that we are carrying emotions, engage in activities that de-escalate our nervous system. This only takes a few minutes! It’s ok to have a break and step away from the computer, the children, the house work... So, time is not an issue. The more we continue to supress those feelings it will impact our ability to concentrate and problem solve, decrease our tolerance and filter situations through our emotional brain.

Have a go at engaging your senses

5 things I can see

4 things I can hear (what sounds are near and far).

3 surfaces around me I can touch (notice the different in textures)

2 smells I can smell

1 taste in my mouth

Have a movement break

Go for a walk, skip with a skipping rope, do some stretches or sit outside and notice all the different colours around you.

Alphabet strategy

Have your tried saying the alphabet backwards? Have a go! It’s great for re-engaging our prefrontal cortex. Our pre-frontal cortex goes off line when we are experiencing states of heightened emotions as our emotional brain has taken over. We need to switch our pre-frontal cortex back on so that we can this rationally, communicate more effectively and problem solve.

In Our Control

Focus on what we can control (our thoughts, behaviours, actions, attitude, diet, sleep and fun). When we are seeking to control what is ‘not in our control’ it generates tension. Seeking control is often a sign that we are experiencing a strong emotion and by controlling others, our environment or a situation it provides short term relief but not long term.

Catch The Wonderful Moments In Our Day

Don’t forget to pause, smile and laugh. We have a tendency to focus on the not so good in our lives. Laughter is good for our soul. What are you going to do to have fun each day?

Rituals

Rituals are a lovely part of family life, let’s create a daily family ritual that incorporates hope and gratitude. We will be doing a daily gratitude at dinner time with notes to each other, it’s a lovely little way to connect.

Image credit - Pathways 2 Success

Remember there is no easy way to manage lockdown, parenting, working from home and home schooling. We are in this together and don’t forget to reach out for help. Do the best you can with what you have in that moment.

From my family to yours – sending you a virtual hug!

The Stress and Pressure of Exams!

Exams go hand in hand with stress, worry, anxiety, late night cramming and self-doubt. We see our children fret and panic which is often paired with unhelpful thinking patterns during this period. Exams set off a chain reaction within our children’s body, emotions and thinking state which can hinder how they approach their exams.

First let’s look at this chain reaction a little closer which will help us to understand what is happening neurologically for them and then we can implement strategies.

Let’s just picture a mountain for a moment and view heightened emotional states such as exam pressure and anxiety as walking up the mountain. At the base of the mountain we are calm and happy. We start to climb the mountain once the brain registers a shift in our physiological state i.e. heart beating faster, sweaty palms, tense shoulders etc.

These physiological changes send a signal to the brain to identify the feeling state. Once the brain recognizes the feeling state, it tunes into our thought pattern/ internal dialogue and as this occurs, we continue to climb the mountain. Our internal dialogue can either fuel and intensify the emotion or it can help us to regulate our emotions. We keep climbing the mountain the more we listen to the internal dialogue and in no time we are at the peak of the mountain where we have reached emotional intensity.

 At the peak of the emotion mountain our brain has entered into survival mode and we encounter a number of difficulties:

·         Our brain is flooded with emotions

·         Irrational thinking – repetitive thoughts occur – we believe that these thoughts are true and 100% accurate.

·         Difficulty to communicate our needs

·         We have a compulsion to act on these feelings

·         Our ability to plan, organize and problem solve is clouded.

Once we are at the top of the mountain we need to get down and here are some key steps to help us get out of these emotionally intense states.

1.       Recognize what we are feeling – the minute we do this we reduce the intensity.

2.       Don’t fuel the emotion – turn down the volume of our internal dialogue by removing statements with “I must”, “I should”, “I have to”, “I shouldn’t have”. These words all add additional stress, tension, pressure, guilt and obligation.

3.       Engage in grounding techniques – our nervous system is in a state of hyper or hypo arousal. So, we need to engage in calming techniques that bring the nervous system back to a state of homeostasis.

4.       Once we are calm it opens up the neurological pathways for us to begin to think more rationally and our executive functioning skills such as planning, time management, organizing, problem solving are all back on line.

Time to explore strategies to manage those intense feeling states:

1.       Awareness

Firstly, let’s talk to our children about the emotion mountain and support them to identify what are some situations that might set them off to start walking up the mountain such as: hearing others talk about the exam, what friends have studied, reading a question in the exam and not knowing the answer. Come up with a game plan for these situations together. This strategy helps children to feel in control.

2.       Brainstorm Calming Strategies

During the study period explore emotion calming strategies and practice these strategies so that come exam time they have some handy little strategies that they can call on to help them come down the emotion mountain.

·         Breathing is a great tool that helps to slow down the body and internal dialogue down. It attempts to bring back balance.

·         Counting Ask children to count by 7 or 9 to 150 and then back

·         Grounding There are so many grounding techniques a popular one is to engage our senses – 5 things I can see, 3 things I can hear, 2 things I can touch, 1 thing I can taste.  

·         Positive Mantras help to combat negative thoughts, work with your child to develop at least 5 positive mantras.

3.       Sleep

Sleep is so vital as it allows our brain to process information. Let’s make sure that children are not up late studying, have a cut off time when they close the books. Just imagine studying late at night when their mind is already full of information, their brain needs time to process this. The late-night cram just adds more pressure and stress to a tired body and mind.

4.       Exercise/ Movement

When our children’s mind becomes foggy, they are struggling to retain information or you notice a decline in their mood, encourage them to take a break and move their body through any form of exercise whether that be a short walk, yoga and stretching, a run or bike ride. Exercise can stimulate parts of the brain that aren’t as responsive (remember they are probably climbing up the mountain in this state). The brain does some pretty amazing work when we exercise; it releases chemical hormones (neurotransmitters – dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin) they help shift and alter the stressed brain. Building regular exercise into our children’s study period helps to balance their body’s stress hormone such as adrenaline which is responsible for the flight – fight – freeze response.

5.       Be Their Study Buddy

Often when children are studying for an exam, we find them reading over and over their text books trying to remember formulas and quotes. It’s a fairly isolating task. A handy little tip to help children cement their learning is to join them, be their study buddy and get children to verbally repeat out aloud what they are trying to remember. Have them be the teacher and get them to teach you. Having children verbally repeat aloud what they are learning encourages the brain to store information through a different pathway. When it comes to retrieving information they aren’t reliant on just one neural pathway. Just like a road map, there are multiple roads leading to one destination.

Handy Tips for The Day of Exams

1. Feed your brain - have a healthy and nutritious meal the day of exams avoid any sugar foods as we want to feed our body and brain good food for alertness. We don’t want the body and brain to work extra hard and divert its attention and resources to breaking down sugar and unhealthy food.

2. Hydration is key - don’t forget the water body bottle and to take regular sips of of water throughout the exam to keep the brain and body hydrated and alert.

3. Fresh air - rather than doing a last minute cram the morning of the exam how about swapping it out for some fresh air and movement. This does wonders for the body by increasing the dopamine levels in our brain which in turn makes us feel relaxed and happy. Any movement whether a short walk, a few shots of basketball, yoga or a quick run helps to shift the tension build up our bodies.

4. Don’t be influenced by others around you - like I mentioned previously hearing chatter about what others studied or did not study only increases our negative thoughts, makes ups climb up the mountain more and it zaps the dopamine levels in our brain. Have some little sayings that you might say to catch the unhelpful thoughts.

5. During the exam - if you feel the rise in emotions its ok to pause. Practice the strategies mentioned earlier such as breathing, counting, your positive/ helpful thinking statements and then head back to the same question or move on to the next. Trying to push through without taking a moment to pause makes the body and brain climb up that mountain.

I think we can all agree that the exam period is a stressful time for all. I hope you have found those tips useful. Wishing all students undertaking exams at this time of year all the very best! You got this!

Returning To School - Take 2

It’s time for our children to return back to the classroom. Its been a long and difficult time for all – children, teachers and parents/ caregivers combined. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and as children return back to the classroom we begin to regain somewhat of our traditional routine and structure.

But it has been some time since children have been at school, with their teacher and friends face to face. For some children they are filled with excitement and for others there are feelings of jittery nerves.

So let’s take a moment and explore how we can support our children in their transition.

Feelings Check-In

In the next few days leading up to the school return, let’s check in and see how our children are feeling and be curious about their feelings. Validating and empathizing how children are feeling is so incredibly important. When children feel seen and heard we are less likely to see the behaviours that are associated with unmet needs. When we start to talk to children about their feelings we have a tendency to go into ‘fix it mode’, let’s hold off on finding solutions, rather just being with our children and connecting with their feelings works wonders. Knowing that we are on their side and understand what they are feeling makes the emotions less intense.  “I can see that you are scared and I also know how courageous you are. We can do this together.”

Calendar

For our little children (Prep-Year 2) we might track how many days until they return to school by using a calendar to tick off and count down. Children at this stage still don’t have great concept of time and days so having a visual can really help.

Transitional Object

A transitional object is a small item that you can give your child to let them know that you are with them – a special necklace, bracelet, a small item to put in their pocket, or photo. This is a handy little tool for those children who have anxiety and find it difficult to separate from us.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings

Parent and Educator Guide By Annette D’Amore

Working Through Heightened Emotional States.

If you find that your child’s emotions have taken over, they may be refusing to go to school, their emotions and reactions are intense, then we need to help them regulate their emotions and switch off their firing amygdala. Children are yet to fully develop the skills to regulate their emotions on their own so they need us to guide them through it. The prefrontal cortex is the key part of the brain that is required to regulate their emotions and did you know that this is the last part of the brain to fully mature and develop which is around the age of 25.

Here are steps that children can use to help regulate their emotions.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings by Annette D’Amore

Engaging in calming strategies whether it is slow breathing, counting or grounding techniques all help to silence the amygdala and enable children to ignite the prefrontal cortex to come back on line so that children can think rationally (I have include some calming strategies at the end of this blog).

Positive Associations

Have children draw a picture of school and list all the wonderful things about school. This is a wonderful visual reminder that you can put on the fridge on in their room. You might like to turn this into a dinner time game, by going around the dinner table and asking each family member to list a positive things about school, keeping going around to each member and see how many positive association words you can list. By having children say this out loud the brain records and stores this information. What is interesting is that this information is stored in the limbic system the same area that the amygdala is located therefore sending positive messages to the amygdala that it does not need to react. If you find your child is nervous you can refer back to all the positive associations that you made.

Lower Expectations

During this period, we need to consider that we are all experiencing a collective trauma so lower expectations and increase the dial on compassion for ourselves, our children and others.

Night Time Routine

Start getting back into a night time routine, good sleep routines influence mental health and wellbeing.

The Morning of School

Keep things calm and simple, this might mean that we need to get up a bit earlier, be a bit more organized. Children are really attuned to our mood so if we are calm then they feed into this.

We might like to have a mantra for the first day, something that you have discussed as a family the night before. Daily Intentions are a powerful mindful practice. Setting a Daily Intentions helps to guide us in our behaviour and actions. They help us to remain focused and on task, especially when we encounter difficulties. Daily intentions help to prime our brain to look for opportunities and behaviours that support our intentions. (Featured below are Daily Intention Card created by Parent’s Domain)

It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this! Just a reminder to do what feels right for your child. Feel free to have a go and tweak these strategies.

For more information or support please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Children's Social Emotional Wellbeing During COVID-19

The long-term effects of covid-19 on our children is yet to be fully seen. After months and months of being isolated at home, the toll it has had on some children’s emotional world has meant that some children have taken a backward step when it comes to social emotional development.

I have had children talk with me about:

• “Will my friends still be my friends?”

• “When I see too many children at the park I don’t want to play.”

• “I don’t know what to say to my friends when we chat… I get stuck.”

• “All I know is that I feel nervous.”

I had an incident today with my 11 year old who stopped playing at the park because she felt overwhelmed by other children. She hopped off the swing and walk over to me grasping my hand and said “mum can we go home.” She didn’t want to talk right then and there and I didn’t push her to. Instead I just labelled what I was observing “It looks like you became nervous when you saw more children arriving at the playground. Feeling nervous can be tricky but I’m right here.” So this incident prompted me to write this blog, as I know there are more children out there who feel the same way.

So, how can we ease our children’s anxiety and support them in some sense to reintegrate, here are a few little steps.

1.       EMPATHY IS GOLDEN

Empathize with them. When our children feel understood they know that we are on the same page as them cheering them along. It creates safety and security.

2.       HAVE A GAME PLAN

Talk about the situation that you are aware of that might cause some of those anxious feeling and come up with a game plan. Having a game plan allows children feel in control. Then they know that they have something to refer to or fall back on. We might need to support them to work through this.

3.       WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

A few gentle words of encouragement when you see that they are worried and take that risk to separate from us as parents - “I could see you were nervous but when you did X I was so proud of you, that took some effort.” Sometimes encouragement can be non-verbal, the good old thumbs up or wink can communicate a thousand more words.

4.       REMINISCING

Sometimes reminding children what it was like when they were doing that task that gives them those jittery feelings. “Do you remember when you would leap onto the monkey bars and swing from bar to bar or even do a flip, wow that was awesome.” Reminiscing helps children to build the confidence in an unconscious way and silence their inner critic.

5.     PATIENCE IS KEY

I know it can be frustrating when you know that your child can do the task that is causing them angst. Let’s just pause for a moment. These are BIG feelings that our children are having and take a moment to lower our expectations, we are all experiencing a great deal. They will get there again but the path just looks a little different.

If your child is having some struggles reach out and get in touch and check out some of the wonderful group programs being offered.

So I hope these have been a few handy tips to consider or gentle reminders to play around with and remember to do what feels right for your child.

"He said".... "She said" - The Sibling Squabbles: Part 2

In Part 1 of The Sibling Squabbles we discussed the developmental stages of children and what we might see emerge during sibling conflict. Looking at sibling disagreements from the angle of a”it is a teaching opportunity” no matter what stage of development. Children don’t master social skills until early adulthood.

As promised, Part 2 of The Sibling Squabbles will look at some tips to help us as parents manage and work through these parenting challenges. When siblings squabble, our children want us to pick sides, the blame game emerges, the finger pointing, the tears, the behaviours….

It can be very overwhelming and exhausting not to react. Our chaos or calmness can be infectious. Remember when our children are arguing, the spot fire has been fueled and we don’t want to add more fuel to the fire through the way we respond or react.

Here are some tips:

• Don’t join their emotional chaos with our own emotional intensity. Yep, their squabbles are going to push our buttons so before we respond check-in with yourself and take some deep breaths if you need to.

• Be mindful not to take sides. I know its so hard especially when a child has behaved in a way that may go against the family rules or expectations. We need to eliminate blame as it keeps children in a cycle of pointing fingers, excuses and avoiding feelings.

• Instead of approaching the squabble with “who started it?” Lets remind ourselves that they both played a role and explore what the conflict is about and how they were left feeling. For our toddlers and preschoolers keep it simple, state what you see and notice about the situation and what you observe them to be feeling, “I can see that the block tower has been knocked over. Sally you seem sad and Ben are you angry?”

• Brainstorming solutions is a great skill to teach children as it is connected to compromise, negotiation and empathy. Before we get to the step of problem solving successfully, children have the need to feel heard and validated. This can sometime rely on us as parents and the way we facilitate the discussion. My advice is to listen to what children are telling us and reflect back to them what we are hearing. Once a children feel understood we can help them think of ways to repair the situation and relationship. We might provide our younger children with two solutions and for our older children we can allow them some space to figure it out together and then ask them how they got to that solution.

• We don’t always need to step in and solve the conflict, except for those situations where it becomes verbal, physical or family rules are broken.

• Be mindful of how we as adults role model conflict resolution in our own relationships. Our children are watching and our primary school aged children and teenagers have more understanding of our style as they watch us.

• Consider your child’s temperament - do they quickly get angry? or do they hold their emotions in? For those children that go from 0 to 100 within seconds, before launching in to find out what has happened take a moment to ‘pause’ and allow them to calm down. When children are in heightened states, its going to be tricky to rationalize with them as they are emotionally charged and the belief that all brains have in heightened states is that “i’m 100% right and its not my fault.” For those children who are more withdrawn; the focus maybe on naming the emotion, sharing your observations of their emotions, inviting dialogue with open questions and repeating back what you have heard.

• For primary school aged children and teenagers give each child an opportunity to talk about the conflict. You might like to use this little formula: Allow Child 1 to answers these questions

  • What did their sibling do?

  • How you were left feeling?

  • What I did

  • How that would have left their sibling feeling?

Child 2 might be bursting at the seams to talk especially as they hear their sibling respond to the first two questions. Once they hear their sibling talk about their own actions and take responsibility for their actions it allows the other children to feel seen, more open to the discussion and take responsibility for their actions as well. These four questions are great for empathy development.

Overall, seeing our children squabble can be difficult just remember as they grow it gets easier, they are learning life skills and it is a very common issue within families. There are so many factors that influence squabbles – temperament, age, social skills and environment.

Emotion Parenting Styles

When it comes to dealing with the up-and-down world of emotions, our children naturally take their cues from us, their parents. That’s why it’s helpful to look at the different ways we parent our child during emotional situations. Long term research by Dr John Gottman and his colleagues identified four different parenting styles. These four different parenting styles influence our children’s social and emotional development.

As parents we may have a more dominant parenting style or we may even have elements of all four parenting styles and it can be helpful to reflect on which style you tend to use:

Emotion dismissing: Not attending to, ignoring or minimising the child’s emotions, may still be warm and attentive to the child but avoids talking about/allowing the child to express difficult or unpleasant emotions (e.g. anger, sadness).

Emotion disapproving: Judging or criticising the child’s display of emotions when they are difficult or unpleasant.

Laissez-faire: Permitting the expression of all emotions, but does not help the child to regulate them and solve the problems that have led to those emotions.

Emotion coaching: Being aware of the child’s emotions, viewing the child’s display of emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching, helping the child to verbalise emotions, empathising and validating the child’s display of emotion, and helping the child to solve problems (while still setting limits on behaviour).

Research has shown that children whose parents use emotion coaching have more positive outcomes in a number of areas including emotional competence and ability to self soothe.

What can I do if I want to be more of an emotion coach for my child?

1.      Become more aware of your child’s emotions, especially those at a lower intensity. 

2.      Help your child label what they are feeling. 

3.      Don’t rush into trying to solve problems when your child is upset. 

4.      Keep in mind that that what our child considers to be a BIG issue, we may not view it as a big issue. Consider the perspective. 

5.      Separate emotions from behaviour. Deal with emotion first then behaviours.

Research shows that when parents practice using emotion coaching 30-40 % of the time, children have positive outcomes.

What if I want to know more?

Attend our Parenting Information Session – Exploring Children’s Emotion or get in touch with Annette to make an appointment.