Parenting Burnout

During these uncertain times and as a Victorian going into lockdown for our 6th time, it just adds an extra layer of pressure to our parenting load.

I don’t know about you but home schooling is hard work and I no longer have the energy to do it anymore. I know that this is a really common feeling amongst parents that I have spoken to last lockdown and over the past few days. All expressing how difficult, stressed, frustrated, exhausted and sad we feel.

So, this is my action plan and I hope you find these tips helpful whether you are in lockdown or feeling burnout as a parent.

Self-Care

As parents we need to look after ourselves, we often put ourselves last by caring for those around us. We often feel guilty when we take time out for ourselves. We are often running on empty as we go about our day constantly checking the time. Life if go go go! Just remember you can’t pour from an empty jug, so if our emotional jug is empty, it is really hard to give to others. Do something just for you? I love to sit outside first thing in the morning, on my own or with Coco (our little pomeranian) usually at 6am before everyone has woken up, with my coffee just taking in the crisp fresh air. I usually do this for 15-30 minutes before I start to tackle the day (aka making school lunches first ….)

Lower Expectations

We can’t do it all in one day. Make a list of just the essentials for that day and what can wait. Remember “Rome wasn’t built in a day” so why do we expect ourselves to do everything in a day, cramming our schedule up to the very last minute. I am a culprit for this and if you see me during school drop off or pick, yep I am the mum running into the school like a tornado, in and out then off to the next job.

Be Kind To Yourself

Be aware of our negative self-talk, acknowledge the feelings that are generating the self-talk. Here is a little thought reframing strategy:

1. Is this a helpful thought?

2. Is this thought accurate?

If our response is ‘no’ what is a more helpful and accurate statement.

Feelings

Check-in with our feelings and if we notice that we are carrying emotions, engage in activities that de-escalate our nervous system. This only takes a few minutes! It’s ok to have a break and step away from the computer, the children, the house work... So, time is not an issue. The more we continue to supress those feelings it will impact our ability to concentrate and problem solve, decrease our tolerance and filter situations through our emotional brain.

Have a go at engaging your senses

5 things I can see

4 things I can hear (what sounds are near and far).

3 surfaces around me I can touch (notice the different in textures)

2 smells I can smell

1 taste in my mouth

Have a movement break

Go for a walk, skip with a skipping rope, do some stretches or sit outside and notice all the different colours around you.

Alphabet strategy

Have your tried saying the alphabet backwards? Have a go! It’s great for re-engaging our prefrontal cortex. Our pre-frontal cortex goes off line when we are experiencing states of heightened emotions as our emotional brain has taken over. We need to switch our pre-frontal cortex back on so that we can this rationally, communicate more effectively and problem solve.

In Our Control

Focus on what we can control (our thoughts, behaviours, actions, attitude, diet, sleep and fun). When we are seeking to control what is ‘not in our control’ it generates tension. Seeking control is often a sign that we are experiencing a strong emotion and by controlling others, our environment or a situation it provides short term relief but not long term.

Catch The Wonderful Moments In Our Day

Don’t forget to pause, smile and laugh. We have a tendency to focus on the not so good in our lives. Laughter is good for our soul. What are you going to do to have fun each day?

Rituals

Rituals are a lovely part of family life, let’s create a daily family ritual that incorporates hope and gratitude. We will be doing a daily gratitude at dinner time with notes to each other, it’s a lovely little way to connect.

Image credit - Pathways 2 Success

Remember there is no easy way to manage lockdown, parenting, working from home and home schooling. We are in this together and don’t forget to reach out for help. Do the best you can with what you have in that moment.

From my family to yours – sending you a virtual hug!

Returning To School - Take 2

It’s time for our children to return back to the classroom. Its been a long and difficult time for all – children, teachers and parents/ caregivers combined. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and as children return back to the classroom we begin to regain somewhat of our traditional routine and structure.

But it has been some time since children have been at school, with their teacher and friends face to face. For some children they are filled with excitement and for others there are feelings of jittery nerves.

So let’s take a moment and explore how we can support our children in their transition.

Feelings Check-In

In the next few days leading up to the school return, let’s check in and see how our children are feeling and be curious about their feelings. Validating and empathizing how children are feeling is so incredibly important. When children feel seen and heard we are less likely to see the behaviours that are associated with unmet needs. When we start to talk to children about their feelings we have a tendency to go into ‘fix it mode’, let’s hold off on finding solutions, rather just being with our children and connecting with their feelings works wonders. Knowing that we are on their side and understand what they are feeling makes the emotions less intense.  “I can see that you are scared and I also know how courageous you are. We can do this together.”

Calendar

For our little children (Prep-Year 2) we might track how many days until they return to school by using a calendar to tick off and count down. Children at this stage still don’t have great concept of time and days so having a visual can really help.

Transitional Object

A transitional object is a small item that you can give your child to let them know that you are with them – a special necklace, bracelet, a small item to put in their pocket, or photo. This is a handy little tool for those children who have anxiety and find it difficult to separate from us.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings

Parent and Educator Guide By Annette D’Amore

Working Through Heightened Emotional States.

If you find that your child’s emotions have taken over, they may be refusing to go to school, their emotions and reactions are intense, then we need to help them regulate their emotions and switch off their firing amygdala. Children are yet to fully develop the skills to regulate their emotions on their own so they need us to guide them through it. The prefrontal cortex is the key part of the brain that is required to regulate their emotions and did you know that this is the last part of the brain to fully mature and develop which is around the age of 25.

Here are steps that children can use to help regulate their emotions.

Image Credit - I’m Angry A Rainbow of Feelings by Annette D’Amore

Engaging in calming strategies whether it is slow breathing, counting or grounding techniques all help to silence the amygdala and enable children to ignite the prefrontal cortex to come back on line so that children can think rationally (I have include some calming strategies at the end of this blog).

Positive Associations

Have children draw a picture of school and list all the wonderful things about school. This is a wonderful visual reminder that you can put on the fridge on in their room. You might like to turn this into a dinner time game, by going around the dinner table and asking each family member to list a positive things about school, keeping going around to each member and see how many positive association words you can list. By having children say this out loud the brain records and stores this information. What is interesting is that this information is stored in the limbic system the same area that the amygdala is located therefore sending positive messages to the amygdala that it does not need to react. If you find your child is nervous you can refer back to all the positive associations that you made.

Lower Expectations

During this period, we need to consider that we are all experiencing a collective trauma so lower expectations and increase the dial on compassion for ourselves, our children and others.

Night Time Routine

Start getting back into a night time routine, good sleep routines influence mental health and wellbeing.

The Morning of School

Keep things calm and simple, this might mean that we need to get up a bit earlier, be a bit more organized. Children are really attuned to our mood so if we are calm then they feed into this.

We might like to have a mantra for the first day, something that you have discussed as a family the night before. Daily Intentions are a powerful mindful practice. Setting a Daily Intentions helps to guide us in our behaviour and actions. They help us to remain focused and on task, especially when we encounter difficulties. Daily intentions help to prime our brain to look for opportunities and behaviours that support our intentions. (Featured below are Daily Intention Card created by Parent’s Domain)

It is always hard to readjust after a stressful period. Remember deep breaths you’ve got this! Just a reminder to do what feels right for your child. Feel free to have a go and tweak these strategies.

For more information or support please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Children's Social Emotional Wellbeing During COVID-19

The long-term effects of covid-19 on our children is yet to be fully seen. After months and months of being isolated at home, the toll it has had on some children’s emotional world has meant that some children have taken a backward step when it comes to social emotional development.

I have had children talk with me about:

• “Will my friends still be my friends?”

• “When I see too many children at the park I don’t want to play.”

• “I don’t know what to say to my friends when we chat… I get stuck.”

• “All I know is that I feel nervous.”

I had an incident today with my 11 year old who stopped playing at the park because she felt overwhelmed by other children. She hopped off the swing and walk over to me grasping my hand and said “mum can we go home.” She didn’t want to talk right then and there and I didn’t push her to. Instead I just labelled what I was observing “It looks like you became nervous when you saw more children arriving at the playground. Feeling nervous can be tricky but I’m right here.” So this incident prompted me to write this blog, as I know there are more children out there who feel the same way.

So, how can we ease our children’s anxiety and support them in some sense to reintegrate, here are a few little steps.

1.       EMPATHY IS GOLDEN

Empathize with them. When our children feel understood they know that we are on the same page as them cheering them along. It creates safety and security.

2.       HAVE A GAME PLAN

Talk about the situation that you are aware of that might cause some of those anxious feeling and come up with a game plan. Having a game plan allows children feel in control. Then they know that they have something to refer to or fall back on. We might need to support them to work through this.

3.       WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

A few gentle words of encouragement when you see that they are worried and take that risk to separate from us as parents - “I could see you were nervous but when you did X I was so proud of you, that took some effort.” Sometimes encouragement can be non-verbal, the good old thumbs up or wink can communicate a thousand more words.

4.       REMINISCING

Sometimes reminding children what it was like when they were doing that task that gives them those jittery feelings. “Do you remember when you would leap onto the monkey bars and swing from bar to bar or even do a flip, wow that was awesome.” Reminiscing helps children to build the confidence in an unconscious way and silence their inner critic.

5.     PATIENCE IS KEY

I know it can be frustrating when you know that your child can do the task that is causing them angst. Let’s just pause for a moment. These are BIG feelings that our children are having and take a moment to lower our expectations, we are all experiencing a great deal. They will get there again but the path just looks a little different.

If your child is having some struggles reach out and get in touch and check out some of the wonderful group programs being offered.

So I hope these have been a few handy tips to consider or gentle reminders to play around with and remember to do what feels right for your child.

The Emotional Roller Coaster at Pick-Up Time.

Have you noticed when you pick up the children from day care, kinder or school that they are quick to escalate with intense emotions? Which leaves you wondering where did all that come from, I just asked how your day was.

There is a term used for this state called Emotion Restraint Collapse.

If you think of our child's day of learning and processing information, add into the mix is lots of conscious and unconscious sensory input, and the additional range of emotions children will experience throughout their day that they don’t acknowledge. Their brain is flooded with information, their emotional tanks are well and truly depleted, that the body and brain need to release the tension that is generated (like a pressure cooker). Sometimes that outlet in on us because there is safety in our relationship.

So, what can we do when the eruption happens? Connect. If they are complaining and frustrated, empathise and acknowledge the struggle and just be present. When children feel acknowledged the intensity of situations de-escalates quickly. Help them problem solve situations as they may not have the emotional resources to.

Another handy little tip is to have a snack in the car just to eliminate those "hangry" feelings.

Be mindful not to bombard them with too many questions about their day right away. Hold off on the questions about their homework or who did you play with. Instead shift focus on what meal you may be having for dinner, an activity or something they may be looking forward to.

If you are driving home put on the radio and stay quiet. If you are walking, say little or just comment on the nice little things you notice.

Just a little reminder that not matter if we look at our routine at pick up time, it is expected that emotional eruptions will sometimes still occur despite all our efforts. This is a normal part of being, because guess what? It happens to us adults as well. We can experience the same emotional eruptions after a long day of looking after the children or being at work.

Remember… the key is to slow things down and connect.

Emotion Parenting Styles

When it comes to dealing with the up-and-down world of emotions, our children naturally take their cues from us, their parents. That’s why it’s helpful to look at the different ways we parent our child during emotional situations. Long term research by Dr John Gottman and his colleagues identified four different parenting styles. These four different parenting styles influence our children’s social and emotional development.

As parents we may have a more dominant parenting style or we may even have elements of all four parenting styles and it can be helpful to reflect on which style you tend to use:

Emotion dismissing: Not attending to, ignoring or minimising the child’s emotions, may still be warm and attentive to the child but avoids talking about/allowing the child to express difficult or unpleasant emotions (e.g. anger, sadness).

Emotion disapproving: Judging or criticising the child’s display of emotions when they are difficult or unpleasant.

Laissez-faire: Permitting the expression of all emotions, but does not help the child to regulate them and solve the problems that have led to those emotions.

Emotion coaching: Being aware of the child’s emotions, viewing the child’s display of emotions as a time for intimacy and teaching, helping the child to verbalise emotions, empathising and validating the child’s display of emotion, and helping the child to solve problems (while still setting limits on behaviour).

Research has shown that children whose parents use emotion coaching have more positive outcomes in a number of areas including emotional competence and ability to self soothe.

What can I do if I want to be more of an emotion coach for my child?

1.      Become more aware of your child’s emotions, especially those at a lower intensity. 

2.      Help your child label what they are feeling. 

3.      Don’t rush into trying to solve problems when your child is upset. 

4.      Keep in mind that that what our child considers to be a BIG issue, we may not view it as a big issue. Consider the perspective. 

5.      Separate emotions from behaviour. Deal with emotion first then behaviours.

Research shows that when parents practice using emotion coaching 30-40 % of the time, children have positive outcomes.

What if I want to know more?

Attend our Parenting Information Session – Exploring Children’s Emotion or get in touch with Annette to make an appointment.