Whining, screaming, hitting, biting, breath holding… are all behaviours that we might see when our children are in melt down mode. I’ve had some doozy of tantrums with my children when they were toddlers, some have taken place in public… even the wonderful back arching or stiffening of body have made an appearance in carparks and shopping centers.
Before we go any further, I want us to consider the developmental transition from infancy to toddlerhood. Although toddlerhood comprises of 2 percent of the lifespan, it is one of the most remarkable and busiest times of development. This period brings on dramatic changes in the body and brain to support the emergence of a wide array of motor, perceptual and cognitive capabilities. We see the beginning of language and our toddler takes their first steps which are all signs of our child making a shift from dependence to autonomy. At this stage of development our toddler is very egocentric as social and emotional skills are immature. Their ability to see others needs or express empathy is very limited.
Let’s normalize tantrums. All children experience them and they are apart of child development. They are equally common in boys and girls and we tend to see tantrums emerge at the age of 1 and are at their peak between 1- 3years.
So, why do they occur? There are a number of underlying reasons why tantrums occur, let’s explore them:
Toddlers under developed language skills contributes to the difficulty they have in communicating their needs. Toddlers find it difficult to say what they want, feel, or need, a frustrating experience may leave them feeling misunderstood. As language skills improve, tantrums tend to decrease.
Toddlers are eager to explore the world around them now and assert their newly found and growing independence. Wanting to feed themselves, walk rather than be pushed in a stroller.
Tantrums are how toddlers show their emotions, they are yet to make the connection nor have the emotion vocab to put language to their feeling states.
Toddlers don’t have the executive functioning skills to put the pieces together to help interpret situations and the world around them. Sometimes their world is very overstimulating, that tantrums are communicating that they are overwhelmed.
A child’s temperament also influences how quickly and strongly they react to situations.
Now that toddlers have created an attachment to a familiar caregiver, separation anxiety cause tantrums as they become upset when the adult they rely on leaves.
When our child is in these states it can be challenging to support them. My go to, even now that my children are 6 and 10 is to eliminate the following: are they hungry, thirsty, overstimulated or tired?
The number one rule for tantrums is to remain calm. I know our children’s behaviour can be really difficult during these times especially when we are out and about. We can feel pressure from onlookers to quieten our child or discipline them. We can really take their behaviour as a personal attack “I’m not a good parent”, “my child doesn’t love me”. Staying calm through our tone of voice and body language can soothe our child.
There are a whole range of strategies that people talk about when addressing tantrums: planned ignoring, time out, distractions, thinking mat, sticker charts, praise etc. Yes, I have used these in my early parenting years. How we respond to our toddlers tantrums depends on the cause. Maybe we can look at tantrums through a different lens an ask ourselves “what is my child struggling to communicate?” When we answer this, we can implement the right of strategy.
Identify Tantrum Triggers
When tantrums start to emerge we may quickly see a pattern and start to identify what sets off a tantrums. When we can identify triggers we can plan around them. Here is an example on how you could track tantrums focus on time of day, what was occurring before the tantrum?, behaviour and response
Tuning In
My go to when I know that tantrums are fueled by emotions is to “Tune In”. Tuning in and stepping in at this early stage of development helps our toddler to develop skills. By tuning in we are supporting our toddler with feeling words so that they can make a connection, we are giving them language so that they can learn new words to communicate with. While tuning in we are modelling ways to calm down our body. For example “Did you throw your car because it wasn’t working and this made you feel angry. Our toys are special, we need to care for them.” Toddlers who are in danger of hurting themselves or others during a tantrum should be taken to a quiet, safe place to calm down.
Planned Ignoring
We can see tantrums emerge when we have refused something, staying calm and don't give a lot of explanations for why your toddler can't have what they want. Move on to another activity with your toddler. If a tantrum happens after your toddler is told to do something they don’t want to do, it's best to ignore the tantrum. But be sure that you follow through on having your toddler complete the task after they are calm. You might do it together. As your child is doing what is asked, it the perfect opportunity to encourage and praise the positive behaviour.
Controlled Choices
As toddlers are thriving on their newly found independence you can give controlled choices. “Would you like to brush your teeth before bath time or after?”
When we have given our child too much information when we are asking them to do something. Remember toddler’s attention span is very limited and their ability to hold and respond to our requests draws on their cognitive capacity which is still developing. So, one instruction at a time with some guidance and lots of praise.
And finally, we need to be consistent and calm in our approach. I know this really hard. I have given in plenty of times, just so the whining would stop and boy o boy did my children remember.
So, I hope you have found this helpful and reassuring when tackling tantrums in toddlerhood.
